The Future That Wasn't

Tuesday, March 04, 2014
I wish I could tell you I'm over it. I wish I could tell you there are no more late nights crying in my pillow, but then, I'd be lying. Sure, it's better, but those impromptu emotional outbursts still get to me. Tonight has been one of those nights.

Every March I tell myself I'll be fine. I've grown emotionally. This year won't be as bad. Then, March rolls around and I usually end up a blubbery mess at some point, reliving every moment I'd rather never relive again. This continues through April. Basically, I become a self-diagnosed bipolar mess. Let me go ahead and apologize to those who know me. LOL

It's been a little more difficult this time around (and yes, we're only three, almost four days into March). I don't know what went on last summer (well I do, but let's not go there lol), but everyone and their sister is pregnant and due this month. Normally, the random newborn makes me smile and giggle, especially now that Z is here, but when my entire Facebook page is covered in not one or even two, but a mass onslaught of beautiful, bouncing babies, well....that familiar ache starts to creep in and take over, despite the fact it's not welcome.

What's worse than the grief is the guilt. I try not to think about it anymore, but once again, this time of year brings everything to the surface. I wish I'd fought harder. I wish I had ignored the doctors and told them to move Heaven and Earth to make sure my daughter lived. Would it have mattered? Probably not. I knew from the very first blood pressure reading. Call it mother's intuition. I just knew. Still hurts, though.

Then there's the guilt of wishing it had never happened. Of course I'd wish that! Who wouldn't? But had it never happened, we wouldn't have Z. I can't imagine my life without her, nor do I ever want to. Life is just so damn complicated. Ugh.

The other day I was watching Z play with my youngest nephew. They are four and half months apart. I was suddenly overcome with sadness. Josey should have been in the other room playing with my oldest nephew, just like these two. I fought the tears and pushed it to the back of my mind. I've gotten good at that. I'm pretty sure I could win the gold medal if it was an Olympic event.

Anyhoo...

I'm sorry for the sappy post, but I started this blog as therapy, and it still helps tremendously to just get it all out there. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until I got this out of my system. Overall, things are good, great even. Unfortunately, when you lose a child there will always be a part of you that grieves. There will always be those days that pop up out of the blue, just when you think you've managed to conquer the tears. And that's ok.

I feel better now. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I'm going to call it a night. I hear my bed calling my name. :)







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2 comments

  1. Your second to last paragraph. Perfectly stated.

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  2. I just read Josey's story, and no wonder you're reliving some of those moments now. What an incredibly intense, heartbreaking time! And the "what-ifs" ... I don't think there's any way to make sense of it all. I'm just sorry, and sending gentle hugs.

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