Capture Your Grief: Day 11

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Day 11: Emotional Triggers

"What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people? ~CarlyMarie"
Capture Your Grief Day 11 | The M House

This is the only picture I kept of my growing pregnant belly. I wish I had taken more. I can't even remember if I took more than this one picture. Little did I know that only one month later I'd be fighting for her life (and mine). It's a hard pill to swallow.

Until Z came along, I couldn't stand the thought of baby showers, newborns, and pregnant bellies. I'm better now, but the trigger is still there. It's a quick jab to the stomach, a tight squeeze of the heart. It's a constant reminder that my body can't do what their body can do. It failed my baby girl. It failed my husband, my family.

We consciously made the decision to not get pregnant again. Yes, we were given the ok to try again after new research on preeclampsia came out, but psychologically I'm not there. I can't do it. In addition to my emotional reasons, I've also reached that horrible stage of life know as "advanced maternal age."

Advanced maternal age. Ugh. Not only am I already high risk, but now I'm OLD. lol

I recently discovered new moms in their mid-thirties+ are known as "midlife moms." How depressing. I'm going to pretend I never saw that.

At any rate, I've come to terms with the fact that there will always be something, a pregnant belly or a song on the radio. I keep it to myself now and say a prayer thanking God that he gave us a second chance.

Carly Marie Project Heal | Capture Your Grief Photographic Challenge for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness  Month - October 2013


  1. Kerry, I was super excited that my husband FINALLY said we could consider having a baby again...and then I learned that I am positively ancient in terms of giving birth. 37. I work in a hospital once a week photographing newborns and all of the moms look so incredibly young. I think we will still try soon, but I am definitely going to be in advanced years just like you.