Out of my control

Wednesday, October 03, 2012
My nerves are frazzled. I don't like spontaneity. I am a planner. I like being in control, not of other people, but of the situations I may find myself in and of course, myself. I was at the mercy of preeclampsia two years ago and now I'm at the mercy of a wonderful woman who wishes a better life for her child. The feelings I have for this mother and her child are so complex. I want this child to be a part of our family more than anything. I'm fighting the urge to wholeheartedly accept her into my life until she's placed in our arms, but it's hard to keep those feelings at bay. They are there. I'm imagining a pink nursery and that sweet baby smell. Then, there are the feelings of guilt and grief I feel for the mother. I know grief. I know what it feels like to carry your child and not take her home. Yes, our situations are quite different, but it's still a loss. And what if she decides to keep her baby girl? It's definitely her right to do so. The thought of having to go through yet another loss terrifies me. Will I be strong enough? Should I even be thinking about this? Of course, how can I not? It's a real possibility in the world of adoption. It's also a real possibility this sweet little girl will come home with us and join our family.

We've postponed TTC until after the first of the year. It wouldn't be right to get pregnant at this point, especially since a pregnancy with me comes with so much baggage. I have some family members who would rather us not even consider TTC again and I understand that, too. It's a difficult decision. We'll just have to wait and see what our future holds.

I ran across this quote online. I haven't read the book nor do I know what it's about, but somehow I found it fitting, don't you?

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3 comments

  1. Oh man, I 100% know how you feel! That was how I felt at the hospital when we met our sweet son and his birthmother. And also, that quote is SO true! Wow... SO true!

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  2. Adoption is so complicated and there are so many conflicting emotions swirling around (heck, even 6yrs later/after the fact for us!). Love that quote, too...

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  3. So excited for you.Hope you can breathe as you wait! Glad you stopped by my blog so I could "meet" you too!

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