Nervous Nelly

Wednesday, August 08, 2012
School starts tomorrow and my husband goes back to work. Woo hoo! This means we're getting closer and closer to "go" time. To say I'm not getting nervous is an understatement. I was cleaning out my desk yesterday and found several copies of old medical bills from 2010 when we lost Josey. Talk about a sudden rush of emotion. I felt like I was suddenly back in that hospital room. I hate when that happens!

The nerves have me dipping in the carb jar as well. I ate horribly this past weekend. Monday wasn't too bad, but then last night I ate two big brownies and one of those mini cups of ice cream. Today wasn't much better. So far, I've eaten a brownie for breakfast and Mexican for lunch. My mom is fixing lasagna tonight for the family (my sister and brother-in-law are in from OKC). Another day shot.

Tomorrow has to be better. I have to get back on track before we start trying. I dread looking at the scales, but I need to...desperately.  One thing that will help (I hope) is planning out my meals again. Oh, and using My Fitness Pal religiously. I've planned out dinner for the next month. Now, I need to plan out my lunches and I'll be set.

**Sigh**

Whenever I stop and really think about what is at stake, I want to bury myself under the covers and never leave the house. I keep imagining that maybe it will work out, and then I find myself paralyzed with fear with thoughts of having to bury another child. Then, I'm back to ecstatic again at the thought of even being able to try and just maybe have my rainbow. Stress is a killer. I swear if I win the Powerball tonight, I'm hiring a surrogate.

Any advice from my rainbow mamas out there? What helped you relax and fight the panic? lol

5 comments

  1. I can't know how you are feeling so all I can offer is advice I was given once that can also apply here for you. Don't borrow worry from tomorrow. Instead take one worry at a time as it comes. I know easier said than done but using as a mantra has gotten me through past hard times. :-)

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  2. I tried to focus on all of the good stories, like your cousin, like thankfully mine, because statistically you are a lot more likely to bring home a baby next time, even if to you it may not feel very likely. Trying again is scary, being pregnant again is even scarier, but oh so worth it.

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  3. I tried to focus on the here and now and not project into the future. I wasn't always successful, but it seemed to help a bit. It's a scary thing to do, trying again after a loss. But the way I figure it, you have to take that huge leap of faith if you want your rainbow baby.

    About a year ago I posted a letter I got from my Mother (who is also a baby loss mom). At the time I was about to undergo an IVF cycle and I found her words very comforting. Maybe you will too. Here's a link. http://findmynewnormal.blogspot.co.uk/2011/06/amazing-letter-from-my-mother.html

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  4. I found your blog after seeing a comment you left when I guest posted over at Twins Happen... I've bounced all over your blog, and after reading it I feel oddly connected, which, seems more that odd... more like weird but whatever. I guess things happen for a reason and sometimes I'm shocked by timing. Many years ago I lost a baby... I drank and popped pills at the pain for a long time. I eventually sobered up, but accepted that my body wasn't baby producing material. I think, after the loss, I battled postpartum depression... my body was all hormonally whacked out and then ... like you said

    "I want to bury myself under the covers and never leave the house. I keep imagining that maybe it will work out, and then I find myself paralyzed with fear with thoughts of having to bury another child." <---- This was me for YEARS!!! Part of me wants to put my hands on your shoulders and shake you and say don't let FEAR win... (I'm crying, as I type this because I know how hard what you are going through is...) But I also know Miracles happen ... I have two miracle babies... its crazy... I cannot believe it... TWO! My oldest born @23 weeks turns 8 soon and my youngest born term (thank God for diligent, dedicated, knows some stuff Doctor who found a solution to my broken baby making parts).

    Sending you prayers, wishes, positive thinking, positive mojo.... all that jazz!!!!

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  5. Thank you for your sweet words. I know I have to face the fear head on if we ever want our rainbow. :)

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