Thy hope ends here... ~ Macbeth

Monday, July 23, 2012
There are days I find myself happily going about my daily routine, oblivious to whatever the world is getting ready to throw at me. I relish those days. Then, when the inevitable decides to slow me down with a quick slap in the face, I crumble under its hands. I used to think I was relatively strong. I've told myself that my entire life. I'd never bend to the ways of the world. Right (she says sarcastically).

Unfortunately, I seem to have traded some attributes for others that aren't so pleasant. My patience is so easily tested. My emotions bubble to the surface before I even have the opportunity to try to suppress them. I get upset when my head tells me I'm being ridiculous. Then, I end up completely disgusted with myself for being so unreasonable. I've told myself it's ok. I'll deal with it the best I can. I really should have my very own Academy Award sitting on my mantle for my performance over the past few years, or maybe I've only been fooling myself. In that case, a Razzy would suffice. LOL

Things are catching up to me. Things I didn't want to deal with or talk about or feel. You can only pretend for so long. While I've always know I have some form of PTSD, I'm starting to realize it may have affected me a little deeper than I thought. Perfect timing, right? We're ready to TTC again, which we never thought was even possible, and I'm a blubbering mess. I told myself today it was time to put on my big girl panties. Then I thought, what the heck does that even mean? Geez.

I guess the possibility of another pregnancy and what could go wrong is manifesting itself (and I'm not even pregnant). In addition to a possible pregnancy someday soon, the adoption update brought its own issues. We have to pay an additional lump some of money we were not aware we had to pay. We've decided this is it. If we don't adopt in the next year, we're done. We won't be renewing.

I hate to say this, but I'm tired of trying to have "hope" all the time. I need a definite answer. My hope keeps leading to more hurt, at least in my situation. It keeps me hanging on to that something that might never come, and in the end, I'm still left with an  ache in my heart.

I guess my point is I'm giving it one more year. If it doesn't happen, I have to find a way to mend what's left inside and try to find a life again, find me again (whoever that may be). No more empty bedrooms waiting to be filled with cribs and toys. No more passing on vacations because we might try to get pregnant. No more watching my life slip by while I'm waiting for something that may or may not come. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to my husband. So, hope has until this time next year to settle this. Then, I move on.

 

 

5 comments

  1. I understand what you mean about being tired to have hope all the time. It would just be nice for something to work out.

    In that regard, I pray that something with adoption or TTC happens for you soon. I have a feeling (as much as a stranger can have a feeling about someone - I know that sounds weird) that it is right around the corner for you. ((hugs))

    ICLW #27

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  2. TTC again is SO SO HARD. And so is being pregnant again. What you are feeling sounds totally normal to me. Fingers crossed for you.

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  3. I completely understand what you mean about being a different person. I know our lives are completely different but having two sick children has for sure made me different. I have no patience either, I get jealous, angry, you name it. It's kind of part of who I am now though, and while I can try to work on it a little bit, mostly I'm just not a super nice person. I'm OK with that (most of the time..lol).

    Also, I wish adoption wasn't SOOOO expensive. For us, I want to desperately someday, but if it means that we don't have enough money left to take care of the girls then obviously we can't do it.

    If I had super powers I would give you TWO babies in the next year =) YOU DESERVE THEM! More importantly, a baby deserves you.

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  4. Kerry,

    This post makes my heart ache for you. It floors me at how expensive adoption is when there are so many babies out there that need parents. Parents like you. Wonderful, loving, deserving parents like you. We live next to an orphanage here in Wuxi ( like literally next door) and it breaks my heart every time I walk by--just knowing that they need parents and that there is so much red tape and fees associated with anyone being able to make them a part of their family. I have asked around about it, and apparently, it would be just as expensive for us to do it while living here as residents as it would be if we were coming from the states with an agency! I guess what I am trying to say is that I wish deserving parents like you could catch a break sometime and be able to have the family you so deserve.

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  5. [...] havoc on my nerves. I am one hot mess (which I’m sure you’ve already deduced based on this and this). Regardless, I’m working on getting myself together and getting my body ready for [...]

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