Monday, March 19, 2012
It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold:  when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.  ~Charles Dickens

I've had so many blog posts running through my head lately that I don't even know where to begin. Sometimes it seems I just need to "write" them in my head and I feel better. Whatever gets you through the day, right? LOL

Spring is here in full force, albeit a little early. The weather has been beautiful, the Bradford Pears and Daffodils are in full bloom, and Easter decorations are everywhere. I've always loved this time of year. As a child, it meant spring break trips to the beach, UK basketball, my birthday, Easter baskets, playing outside, and the promise of summer vacation. I still have those warm fuzzies, but they are bittersweet now. When I catch myself enjoying a pretty day or looking forward to all the pretties that spring brings, that pit in my stomach returns and suddenly I'm back in that hospital room waiting for the inevitable. Then, I remember in between all those Easter decorations are Memorial Day decorations. I haven't been to the cemetery since Christmas. I just haven't been able to handle it. I did buy a new butterfly solar light recently. Unfortunately, I still can't bring myself to go. I don't even like driving past the cemetery. My heart just breaks. 

Don't get me wrong, things are going well. It's just that time of year again. Soon we'll be upon 2 years and honestly, I don't know where it's gone. I've accepted the fact that there will always be that hurt. I've really missed my grandmother lately. I feel like I understand her more now than I ever did. I know that my feelings are normal. I remember her talking about her son, my uncle, that was killed in a car wreck, every year around his birthday, as well as around the time he died. I remember thinking how sad, but never fully understanding the loss she felt until it happened to me. Granted, our situations were quite different, but still, I get it. I wish I could throw my arms around her now and say, "I understand."

As the weather gets warmer, more and more children and their families are out and about. For me, it's time to get out my armor and keep moving. We have to update our homestudy soon. More background checks. More forms to fill out. More money to spend. We're hoping to sign with a new agency this summer. I'm hoping and praying this is our year. :)


  1. Haven't read your story, but I'm also in KY, so was just curious what agency you're going with? Spring certainly has brought some crazy weather this year, hasn't it?!

    Happy ICLW :)

  2. I wish I can say I understand your grief. Reading your blog, I have come to respect how positive you are in dealing with your loss. You are an inspiration and I will definitely share your blog to any of my friends who maybe going through the same issues like yours.