Whys and What ifs

Thursday, December 15, 2011
It seems every time I turn around lately there is a story in the news about babies being born premature, weighing in at under a pound, making a go of it against all odds. While I'm certainly happy for the parents in these situations, it breaks my heart for my girl. I can't help but question everything that happened. What if we hadn't listened to the NICU doctors and the perinatologists? What if we had said "I don't care what you're telling me, save her!"?

This has been eating at me lately. We were told there was no chance for Josey. She was too small. The hospitals in the area would not even try to revive her if we asked. There was practically no chance of survival. That's what they said. Yet, over the past few months, all I see on the news are preemies born between 22-26 weeks, weighing 13 ounces to just over a pound, and they are all making it. Some are even home. This morning I read an article about a 9 ouncer who is about 4 pounds now and probably heading home in the next few weeks. Josey was 1 pound, 1 ounce. 

I thought I did everything I could for her, but now I'm not so sure. We listened to the experts and now I'm questioning their expertise. Not that they didn't know what they were talking about, but maybe we should have ignored their warnings. I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself. 

2 comments

  1. (((HUGS)))
    You did what you knew was best... I hope in time you will be able to forgive yourself. I can only imagine how hard it was to make the decisions you did...

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  2. I hope you don't torment yourself too much. The reason these babies make the news is because their cases are so rare. The truth is most babies Josey's size DON'T make it, even with extreme intervention. You did the best you could, you loved her, and you made impossible decisions that would have you second guessing yourself no matter WHICH road you took. Please try to be gentle with yourself.

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