Another one?

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

The Duggars. Need I say anything more? I'm not going to lie. It stings. It really stung when she gave birth to her last one, the one they named Josie. Why did her Josie survive so early and mine didn't? This thought literally makes me want to vomit. I get sick to my stomach every time I see or hear about that now healthy 2 year-old. NOT FAIR. Where is God in that? He let her Josie survive? She already had 18 kids. Josey was my first.

Yes, I can be slightly bitter. I admit it. Why deny it? If you've struggled with infertility or pregnancy loss, I know you feel the same way. I usually try to be the better person and pretend such things don't bother me, but guess what? They DO! I can't help it.

Yes, I know God has a plan. No, I don't understand it and no I don't appreciate the way He seems to be going about getting me there, but hopefully I will understand one day. Right now, I'm still mad. There, I said it. And to have the Queen of Fertility pregnant again with her 20th child feels like salt in a really bad wound.

If she loves being pregnant so much, why doesn't she use that golden uterus that God blessed her with to help out a family who desperately wants a child? She really seems to have a gift, so why not use it to help others? I'm being selfish. I know. Sometimes it's just so hard not to be. I'm not perfect. I have flaws and admittedly, at this point, I'm a little jealous. ;)

Today I pray for patience in whatever God has planned for me. Lord knows I need it. LOL

9 comments

  1. i feel the same way. i had been watching the show when my wyatt was born & figured he would pull through like josie did. he didn't. i,too, want to know why her and not me. i would also like to get my hands on that "golden uterus" or in my case cervix to which you refer. i feel the sting. {{hugs}}

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amen, Amen! I am glad you expressed something I didn't blog about....I just found out last night the Duggars were having the 20th child. Her daughter Josie survived and mine died a few months before she gave an emergency birth. I am sure it stings more that your daughter's name was Josey too. Bitterness will take time to heal for all of us....I am glad God understands our frailty because I still meet other BLMs who don't appreciate my bitterness. Oh well!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hear you, Kerry.

    Even though I am again pregnant after our lonnnng road and multiple losses, for some reason, it still bugs me. I think because many of us who lost our little ones at or around the gestational period that their Josie was born, we're left wondering why they were allowed to keep theirs, while ours all didn't make it. Don't get me wrong- I am glad their Josie is still alive today--a miracle, but it's hard not to wonder WHY not ours?

    My heart goes out to you, and your DH. The journey you've been on has been less than "fair". I hope your child gets to meet you soon, and until then, do all you can do to keep those feet moving forward, even if it's just one step at a time.

    Thank you for putting into words what I couldn't about the jealousy surrounding the Duggars 20th kid.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Amen to that! Your not selfish at all, and you are not being rude in any way. I wish they would help other people that are unable to have kids. The worst part about thwm is the older kids raise the little ones not the parents. I have a lot of dislike towards them. God has a plan but its hard to watch them flaunt their life all ovet tv so it can help support their family that truely the older kids raise the younger. One on one going to the store is not enough parent time. I pray for you everyday and hope your prayers are answered sooner then later.

    ReplyDelete
  5. No kidding. My first child dies and they manage to have TWENTY live ones? I realize they had a miscarriage for their first pregnancy (and she blames it on the birth control and God punishing them for using it?! Don't get me started), but honestly... some of us don't even know what it's like to bring one baby home.

    I'm jealous too.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am still bitter too even with having my rainbow here. I remember being fresh off of the loss of Bailey last year and seeing the People Magazine cover story with them on the cover with Josie that says "We're ready for #20". Made me so angry...To be one who battled infertility for 4 years, had 2 early m/c's, then to finally get pregnant with Bailey and to lose her to PTL...It made me sick that she had 19. And now, #20?!

    Makes. me. sick. It makes me insanely jealous that she can have all these kids, but people near and dear to my heart who I have met on this journey cannot or still struggle.

    It's so hard and I don't know that I will ever quite understand why.

    ReplyDelete
  7. ((hugs)) i'm so sorry. life is so unfair.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm bitter too. She has a gazillion, why couldn't I have my Aidan? She made a comment like we'll have as many as God allows us to. So God didn't want us BLM and those struggling with infertility, but she can have a clown car full? ugh

    ReplyDelete
  9. I understand your feelings I really do even though I never had children but I get bitter when I see woman who get to be married for 50 plus years which I never will never have since my first husband passed at 19 years I wanted to grow old with him still makes me angry and also everyone my age that still has at least one parent left yet I lost both of mine in a 1 1/2 yrs and they were everything to me I want them to be there for my holidays etc I know that someday they would pass but both in such a short period of time. Well now I said it and yes I dont think it is fair about the duggers but you will all get your miracle God I know everyone says it has his own plans I know he had this planned for me and I dont understand it either. I hope you all get your wishes.

    ReplyDelete