One Year

Wednesday, April 06, 2011
A year ago today I became a mom to a baby girl. I should be planning a huge first birthday party for tonight, but instead I sat with her at the cemetery. I know I gave it my all, but my one regret is not having a c-section. Just maybe she would have taken a few breaths, long enough to wrap her little fingers around mine, long enough for her to know I was there and I did everything I could. Truth is, by the time I was ready to deliver she was already gone.

I'm home today. I didn't even try to pretend this day wouldn't be hard. Thankfully, we have wonderful family and friends who have been keeping an eye on us for the past week. LOL I've felt the weight of this day for a few days now. In fact, a year later, I have moments where I feel exactly like I did when I got out of the hospital. I've gotten up in the mornings and spent entire days feeling swelled and weak, just like I did then. Then, the next day I'm fine. PTSD anyone?

No matter how I look at it, Josey gave us something we couldn't give ourselves nor could anyone else. I hate to think that her short life was specifically meant for that purpose, but if she hadn't come along I'm not sure where we'd be at the moment. Today, we're better people. So for that, thank you baby girl. Thank you for truly saving your mommy and daddy and giving them a chance at life they might not have known were it not for you.


11 comments

  1. You know, hindsight is 20/20, I think we all have something that we regret. I have wondered if Olivia would have lived longer if I had had a regular birth instead of a c-section. As it was, she was only here 20 minutes and most of that time I was throwing up or worrying about throwing up on her due to the c-section and meds that made me sick, not exactly real quality time. And I also couldn't move my hands (though they weren't strapped down like they usually do.) So anyway, I hope you can find peace with that decision, there are no guarantees it would have been "better" even if you had had a c-section.

    Congratulations on surviving the first year. That is no small feat. Thinking of your family and your sweet Josey today.

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  2. Thinking of you. (((Hugs)))

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  3. One year already? I can't believe it. Wishing you peace in your heart. I know today isn't an easy day but know that you and Josey are in my thoughts and prayers ((HUGS)).
    HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY JOSEY!

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  4. Thinking of you and all that you and your husband ( and family) have endured over the past year. Here's to hoping for better tomorrows.

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  5. I hope today is as peaceful as can be. As Angie said, we all have regrets, we all have things we wish we could have done differently. Josey knows you love her and did everything you could.

    I'm glad your family has been keeping an eye on your both lately. I'm glad they remembered that an important date was coming up.

    Thinking of you all today.

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  6. I have been where you are and there are no words to describe the pain and sadness unless you have lost a child. It simply does not get any easier. The day Connor would have turned 16, I woke up thinking this would be the day I took him for his driver's permit. He would have been 19 yesterday and it still hurts. The hurt is not as acute as the first few years, the baby and toddler years (you know, the ones where you want to stand up and scream as loud and long as you possibly can), but it is a dull pain that just is always there. My prayers are with you and Shannon every day, but especially today and this week.

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  7. Happy 1st birthday Josey! Hugs to you and your mom and dad!

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  8. I hope today is as gentle on you as it possibly can. I'm think of you and your family, and of course Miss Josey. Bailey's first birthday is rapidly coming up, and our day sounds very much like yours has been.

    Happy 1st Birthday to sweet little Josey!

    Sending you my love!!

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  9. from LFCA... sending loving thoughts...

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  10. Here from LFCA. Thinking of you during this heartbreaking time...

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  11. Here from LFCA and thinking of you and your sweet baby girl.

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