Our Decision

Monday, February 28, 2011
I spent a good portion of this weekend trying to learn my way around my new digital scrapbooking software. I even managed to create a rough draft of six pages of our profile. It's a lot harder than I thought! My mind went blank when I tried to write about us. All I could think of is, "Will they like us? What would this paragraph say to a family? What would this sentence say?" So, I set it aside Sunday afternoon and I'll pick it up later this week.

Something else happened this weekend that upset both DH and me. Someone close to us gave DH a lecture on why we need to "try" again. Now, that being said, it was done with good intentions, but it still kicks you right in the gut.

There are reasons we aren't trying again. Let's review.

1.  The perinatologist (who happens to be one of the top researchers in the field of preeclampsia) recommended we not get pregnant again because of the statistics against us, as well as the way Pre-e affected me.

2.  It was severely traumatic.

It wasn't just that we lost our daughter, it was that my body basically went into shutdown mode. I put on an incredible amount of weight, 43 pounds of that weight in a five day time period. I popped like a balloon. Literally. My skin couldn't stretch anymore. I couldn't walk or even sit up on my own. I lived like this for one month, an hour away from home.

The fact is that I don't want to be pregnant again. Every month I get physically ill waiting for AF to arrive, terrified that I'm pregnant, not knowing how I could live through that again.

Could we try again? Yes. Should we try again? In my opinion, as well as the docs, no. Would I love to have a biological child? Absolutely. Do I want to risk my sanity and my life and the life of my child? No. Would we consider surrogacy? Sure. Do we have the money to do that? No.

Adoption has always been in the cards for us. We wanted to adopt and have biological children. Unfortunately, we don't always get what we want. So, I just ask that those of you that know me respect our decision and support us. It's been a long, rough road, but we're finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

13 comments

  1. I'm always amazed at how our "well meaning" friends and family manage to offer some really bad and hurtful advice. Some people just don't get it.

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  3. I am so sorry.

    If you and your husband have unity and peace with yoru decision that is ultimately all that matters. Still, I am sorry you have to face that kind of 'advice'.

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  4. I think you are making an amazing decision.
    After we lost Eden, James and I decided to adopt. I can't imagine life without the miracle of adoption. Levi is such a blessing!
    When we made the decision to adopt I did NOT want to try again. As Levi approaches 6 months we are thinking about more children and we may try again or adopt again. The decision will be between us and God. I pray that God continues to give you peace about your decision and wisdom to deal with others and their opinions.
    BTW, our profile book was the HARDEST part of the adoption process. I remember taking a whole day to do it, only stopping to go to the restroom. You can do it and it will turn out beautifully.
    I am here if you need anything!

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  5. I am so sorry your DH received such a hurtful lecture. I will never understand why friends and family think that a couple's family building choices are up for debate by anyone besides the couple and their professional advisors (medical, adoption, financial, legal, etc.).

    (((Hugs)))

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  6. That is something that is between you as a couple. If I had gone thru what you have, I would make the same decision. If you were my daughter, I would not want to see you suffer like that again. Tell the busy bodies, it is none of their business. Adoption is a wonerful thing, and it will happen. There are lots of children that need loving parents.

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  7. I am so excited to read about your adoption process as I am just starting on that journey myself. Having finally made the decision to stop trying, it just felt right. Only we know what is right for us.

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  8. Well meaning or not, your decision was a personal, btween you and your husband. I can't believe that his friend even said something. Wow, I'm sorry he had ti deal with that...and you too!

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  9. I *love* it when people, who think they are being helpful, decide to give us pep-talks for our own good. Unless they have walked in our shoes, I wish they would just let us be.

    ICLW

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  10. That's just ass-vice IMO. Who in their right mind would suggest that you need try again after what you've been through? Besides, whose life is it anyway? Ugh, stuff like this makes me crazy.

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  11. I know what you are talking about I experienced it. Mike and I decided not to have any children due to the heridity Elhers Danlos which was in his family. I did not want to do that to a child did I want a child sure we did, but I did not want a child to go through what Mike did my jealous feelings to fulfill my self over ride that to not do that to a child. All his brothers & Sisters as you know they are you moms cousins had childern except Mary, and Joey has it, Steven has already had surgery x2 and has it. And who knows about all of them having children now I think it will come up again. I hope they all take head of it and realize and regonize it that is not going away it is a gene that is always there. I respect your decision it is yours so just tell them I respect your decisons you need to respect mine and dont lecture me. Some people just dont get it I think you are making the smart decision.

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  12. I am so sorry... We are in the same boat and the comments about trying again after 2 losses are so hurtful and hard to hear. I let them know that our decision is just that OURS and that if they had been in my hospital bed fighting for their lives and also grieving for the loss of their child they would understand and until then their advice/comments should be kept to themselves. I hope things get better as you progress in the Adoption process and I pray your wait is quick :) J

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  13. ((hugs)) i'm so sorry that someone gave you a hard time about your family decisions. you shouldn't have to justify yourself/your decisions to anyone. your reasons are your reason. ♥

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