Grieving, Healing, Living

Sunday, January 09, 2011
**This is a long post.**

My homework is finished. DH is finishing up his as we speak. We've read our books and are ready for our first class. Despite the excitement we feel, it still doesn't heal our hearts from the loss of Josey. I realized today that I will never be able to feel the normal feelings a woman feels when a baby is born. I'll never know the excitement of having my water break and the anticipation of a healthy delivery and a happy, healthy baby born to me. It stings. I don't want it to sting. I want to feel those wonderful emotions first not later. I want to see a happy mommy and daddy picture and be filled with joy, not sorrow. I try not to feel it, but I do. It will always be sadness first followed by joy.

I've noticed that I find myself in complete awe of women able to carry a nine month, normal, healthy pregnancy. It's magical. Amazing. I imagine my awe is similar to that of a young child visiting Disney World for the first time. LOL I stand there, mouth open in absolute wonder. I guess I feel this way because my experience was so different.

Last night, DH and I were talking. He's been reading a book on the psychology of human nature. He said the author explained that as humans we only feel a personal connection to a difficult situation/tragedy if it's in our backyard and then we only feel so much of that. For example, we know the horrors of genocide, famine, diseases; yet, what do most of us do? We say, "how terrible" and go about our business.

Unfortunately, it's true and I have been guilty of it too. You look at someone and see the pain they have been through and to a point you may understand, but unless you've experienced it, it stops there. I imagine this may be part of the reason no one said a word to either of us over the holidays about Josey. No one asked how we were doing. No one said, "I know this must be hard." Nothing. It hurt my feelings in some ways. Not so much me, but for her. However, I realize this is human nature. On top of that, maybe people just didn't know what to say or were afraid to say anything. I get that. And maybe it just means I've been doing a good job keeping it together and showing a strong front.

I purposely compartmentalize my feelings in difficult situations (relating to our loss). Being around friends' children or talking about pregnancies is hard and I have to push those feelings aside. I do this because who wants to share wonderful news only to be smacked in the face with Debbie Downer? Would you want someone crying at your baby shower? Crying at the hospital while you're trying to experience the greatest joy in life? No, you wouldn't. This is why I don't go to baby showers and why I am as strong as I can be in these situations. Everyone deserves their moment. The world doesn't stop for me.

Life is just way too complicated as an adult. I know this post seems a little all over the place. I've just been juggling a lot of different emotions lately. Happy and hopeful for our adoption. Sad and mad that we have to go through so much for a family. Yet, I'll keep pullin' myself up by the bootstraps. Gotta keep on walkin'.

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6 comments

  1. I'm sorry that no one said anything over the holidays. I'm sure they were thinking of it but didn't want to upset you. When will people realize that saying something is always better than saying nothing?

    It sounds like class is going well. And, even though there was sadness in your post, I could also hear the love that you and your DH have for one another.

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  2. Preparing for a new baby is definitely always a little bittersweet. Even the happy moments are sad, like when we found out our rainbow baby is a boy, "We have a boy and we have a girl now...how perfect this should be."

    I'm really sorry no one mentioned Josey. That's why I've kind of started hating the holidays, I always get frustrated how people think having a new baby fixes it all (beware of that, you'll get it too.) And we are totally "over" everything that happened because after all, we're having a baby. Um, we still lost a baby and that just doesn't go away with someone new. Blech.

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  3. I'm so sorry no one mentioned Josie this Holiday season, that would have hurt me as well.
    I feel the same way about pregnancy that are uneventful and make it to full term, I'm in complete awe that babies are born healthy, it's such a foreign concept to me.
    Continuing to wish you both strength and joy as you continue forward in your journey of adoption.

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  4. I'm so sorry that no one mentioned your angel. I noticed that we barely got any christmas cards this year. I guess people just don't know what to say or do.

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  5. We think of her everyday. Regardless of what day it is. Sorry, we were not more open about it.

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  6. Sweetie, there is not one day that goes by that I don't think of our little Angel Baby, Josey. I have spent quite abit of time at the cemetary through Christmas. She is a special little girl to me, and all of us, and always will be. Everyone was thinking about Josey at Christmas. She will always be in all our hearts.

    We are so excited about getting started with the adoption. God already has a baby for you and Shannon, we are just waiting for Him to deliver. :) Three grandbabies.....WOW, I am one lucky grandma. Love you, MOM

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