Letting go

Thursday, November 18, 2010
Last night I wasn't feeling too good. There is a nasty virus going around and I felt like I was moments away from getting it. Luckily, it hasn't hit yet. Since I wasn't feeling the best, but wasn't feeling bad enough to just sleep it off, I grabbed our photo albums and decided to finally put all our pictures in it that have been backing up forever. While I was going through the pictures, I made it to last Christmas. There was a picture of DH and I at my grandparents. We were so happy and we were still pregnant. I lost it. It broke my heart all over again. There we were all happy and pregnant, so excited for our new little bundle of joy. Little did we know 3 months later our world would be rocked, and not in a good way.

I'm finding it hard to grasp that I can't have that again, that it's just too dangerous. Yes, there have been lots of women who suffered from preeclampsia/hellp and managed to go on and have healthy pregnancies. Unfortunately, I've never talked with or met anyone who's case was like mine. This is why we were told it wasn't recommended to get pregnant again. Could we? Yes. Should we? No. Even worse, if the doctors had actually told me to go ahead and there wasn't any danger, I'm not sure I emotionally could live through another pregnancy. The entire pregnancy was horrible from the beginning. I feel so guilty saying that, but it's the truth. It still doesn't make it any easier though.

On the bright side, I am looking forward to our adoption. You read a lot about adoption being a couple's second best option. For us, it isn't our second option.  We've always planned on adopting. I'm very thankful adoption was put on both our hearts before we ever faced anything like the loss of our biological child. It just made taking that next step that much easier.

I'm still working on letting go of that preconceived notion of what I always thought my life would be at this point. Some days are harder than others. Some days are easier than others. Despite the tragedies we have suffered this year, I know in my heart we are so blessed. We couldn't ask for better friends or family. We're not struggling financially and we both have good jobs, even in this crummy economy. For that I am so very thankful. I heard someone say, "It can always be worse, but if it is the worst, it can only get better."  Amen to that.

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3 comments

  1. It is hard letting go. I struggle with that, too. Even though the reason for Harper's preterm birth was not because my life was in jeopardy and I may go on to have a healthy pregnancy one of these days. Maybe I will, maybe I won't...there is no way to know for sure. It has been hard for me to let go of my innocence and naivity regarding having children. It is hard to let go of the fact that my life isn't what I thought it would be and never will be. I will never know my first born daughter in this lifetime and we can never get her back. Hugs, my friend.

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  2. I can't say I know how you feel, but we're struggling with whether or not to try for another. We both wanted a big family, but I've had pre-eclampsia with both pregnancies. So far, I've been extremely lucky, but knowing that I will almost certainly have it again if we have another makes me feel like I shouldn't push my luck and I should be happy with the blessings I have.

    I pray that your adoption journey goes quickly and smoothly and you have a little one in your home soon!

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  3. I am struggling with the letting go myself. We dream of what our life is going to look like and then it is taken away. Thank you for sharing your story- you've given me hope.

    Hoping we both have a smooth adoption process and are celebrating a year from now.

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