Struggles of a BLM

Thursday, October 28, 2010
Disclaimer: I hope I don't make anyone uncomfortable with this post. That's not my intention. Just a reminder, this blog is for me and to help me learn how to deal with my new normal

I admit it. There are times I feel a lot of jealousy and resentment towards other moms. It isn't in a nasty, mean spirited sort of way, just a bring on the violins sad kind of way. It's also not every mom. I look at family and friends and although I may feel a tug of sorrow every now and then, the jealousy and resentment have never been directed towards them. Maybe it's because they know me, they were there with me, they love me.

But, there are others that have completely uncomplicated, healthy pregnancies and it just burns me up inside. The obvious ones - drug addicts, etc. - and the not so obvious - those women and/or couples that are so mean spirited or just plain hateful in general. Why can they pop them out like nobody's business and I can't? Grrr.

I don't wish the loss of a child on anyone, even my worst enemy, but I can't help but feel those horrible feelings at times. Maybe these feelings pop up because I'm still in some level of the "Why Me?" stage. Who knows? I have reached acceptance, but I won't lie, I am still angry. Not so much screaming at the world angry, but more of an upset or mad kind of angry. God and I have lots of talks about this. Yes, I'm mad at him. I tell him that often. I'm not going to lie. No, I don't think he deliberately put me through hell, but according to the bible and everything I've been taught, he allowed it. That's what makes me mad. Just like he allowed it to happen to Job. It didn't bother me in the beginning until I started a devotional on Job. The more I read, the madder I got.

We know God is good. We know there is sin in the world. But if he's GOD, then why allow it to happen? Why let the devil do it? To prove my faith to him (him being God)? Well, that's just down right cocky. If someone in real life did something like that, people couldn't stand him/her. Anyway, as you can see, God and I are still in discussions on this one.

In reality, I believe and understand that my DNA did this to me. Maybe this is why adoption was put on our hearts way before kids were even a thought. I like to think of it that way. Maybe this crazy universe has a way of putting things in place early on to help us through the struggles to come.

For all of you out there struggling or have struggled with these ideas/feelings, how are you and/or how did you deal with them? Jealousy, resentment, anger, faith? I'm really interested to know.


  1. I still haven't been able to get past the feelings of jealousy and resentment at times. Some days it hits like a bag of bricks. I get mad, angry, hurt..I do try to remind myself that our baby wasn't owed to us, she wasn't ours to keep. This was not the plan for us, although I wanted it to be. Sometimes changing my thought process to that helps, and others, I can't help but feel that my daughter was mine to keep, and was taken away. It's hard not to feel wronged, but as you said, my husband and I talked adoption, I nannied for two families who underwent international adoptions, and we always said it was something we would be interested in. Of course, we want our own--but in the back of my head, I really feel that adoption is going to be the course we take to finally bringour baby home.

  2. I have to clarify my above post, when I said we want our own, I meant we would like to have a biological child. Of course if we adopt, the child will be our own.

  3. I remember having a miscarriage while my SIL was pregnant with their NINTH child. That was hard to digest, that we were being robbed of our first while she had so many.

    I've decided (after a LONG period of anger) to take the view that God needs angels of all sizes and sometimes we have to carry those angels with us for Him. It isn't easy and it wasn't quick to get to that point and I still feel sad every year at Halloween, just a bit, because that was our due date.

  4. I, too, still get those feelings...the jealousy, the anger, the resentment...but as soon as I hear myself throw up the "Why Me"...I make myself say "Why not me?". Why should I be considered any more special than other women out there (who aren't drug addicts)...I already know I wouldn't wish this IF world on my worst enemy, so why should I put myself above them. I like to think that God 'allowed' this to happen because he has more faith in me. More faith in US! Because of this journey, I am a stronger woman, my husband is a stronger man and we are a stronger couple. There are those women who never get to have babies or never decide to they throw themselves into charity work. Maybe God needed them right there? There are those that adopt because God knew the child's parents were unfit and needed a new loving home with us. And maybe He's saving us from a future tragedy...Who really knows.

    The next thing I tell myself is atleast (for the most part) infertility isn't a terminal illness. My co-workers 49 yr. old husband just got a diagnosis of lung cancer that's already wrapped around his aorta and he's never smoked a day in his life. Yeah, I have fertility issues...but my husband and I are both alive and well.

    Then I make myself realize how lucky I am to have found my soul mate because I know plenty of girls still looking.

    And I continue to count my blessings until that little voice that said "Why me" has finally learned to be quiet for just a little longer.

    Hope that helps.

  5. Yeah I wish I had the answer. What helps is when I think of other things in life that have been hard and have broken my heart and how God worked it out and turned my mourning to dancing. The failed relationships before I met my husband who is perfect for me. The career stumbles and rejections before we founded our company. backstabbing friends replaced my new ones. learning about my stepdaughter and loving every moment with her. I tell myself that God will turn this pain into joy somehow and He has proven Himself faithful in doing this.

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  7. I really struggle with this, too. I ask "Why me . . . " a lot. Sometimes I think I needed to learn something from the experience. I try to look for the lesson and learn it. I think it has given me more compassion, and it's harder for me to be quite as judgmental towards other people as I used to be. I try to accept the life I'm living right now and look for bright spots.

    But I also keep looking for answers. My life is one big question right now. And mostly I am just learning to live with that question in the back of my head. I'm realizing that life is a lot more uncertain than I ever realized it was. And I'm trying to let go of controlling more than what I do in this moment. I'm trying to allow myself to act with hope for the future and still allow the future to unfold.

    In terms of Faith, I believe that there must be a plan for my life that is so big I can't see or understand it from a human perspective. But that doesn't stop me from getting really angry at God sometimes. Personally, I think it's normal to be mad at God in situations like this, and that God can probably handle my anger better than if I directed it at myself or another person. So I don't beat myself up if sometimes I'm angry at God.

    I hope that made some sense--I'm just typing off the top of my head here.

  8. I avoided pregnant women and babies for a LONG time. Probably not the healthiest, but out of sight, sort of out of mind for me.

  9. I have been a "lurker" of your blog for a couple of weeks now. I don't know how I came across it, but I am glad I did. You write beautifully and it helps me to read that I am not alone in my struggles. I lost my twins at almost 23 wks just this past August, so I don't have any advice for you, I am not there yet, but know you are not alone either in your struggles. I am stuck in this rollercoaster of emotions. I am jealous and sad whenever I see anyone that is pregnant or has a newborn or if anyone even speaks about pregnancy or babies. I think how I should still be pregnant, getting ready to have my babies soon. I am confused and ask myself, why me? All these other people get to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies, why not me? I do get angry at God too, I prayed to him all the time I was pregnant to keep them safe. Why didnt he? I think why would he do this to me? We struggled for 3 years to get pregnant, why would he give me two beautiful babies and then take them away? How is that fair?

  10. I go through the why me, so not fair, etc etc. Sometimes worse days than others especially estimated due dates, loss dates. BUT I did get to have 2 children. Not in the time I wanted but they are here, almost 16 years apart, they are mine and loved to pieces, and I still get angry that I lost 3 babies.3.ugh. That I almost died trying to have a baby. BUT so many people have no children and so much worse that I try not to go to the anger but pregnant women still upset me. I go back in my mind to a Christmas when all my sister in laws on BOTH sides of the family were pregnant, we are talking SIX women at the same time and I was on fertility drugs and so crushed it wasn't me that I almost lost my mind. I did get through it and YEARS late finally got my miracle! I am praying for you!!The only answer I have is God's grace gets me through....BTW I mentor teen moms, some of them are on drugs. And I believe God called me to help them. It's my absolute love of babies that helps and my view on how precious babies are. Just hand in there I think the range of emotions help us heal and also help us help others.