A Page Has Turned

Wednesday, October 13, 2010
I’m not sure where I’m going with this today. My thoughts are all jumbled and racing through my head. Yet despite that, I woke up with some peace this morning, that peace I’ve been looking for and missing for awhile now. I was trying to explain this feeling to DH and couldn’t find the right words. He said, “Kind of like you’re no longer held back because of your past? As if the chapter is finally closed and the page has turned?” Yep, that’s it.

Is there a reason for this new found peace? I think so. The past six months has left us different people. From the preeclampsia and losing Josey to the loss of DH’s best friend, it’s definitely caused a shift in our world view. I’m not saying it’s bad, just different, unexpected…at least for me.

Yesterday, the last chapter closed. DH had to make a trip to his BFF’s house one last time to meet his parents. There were some things they wanted to give him and DH also had some of his things still there as well. This was DH’s first time back since he passed away. It was hard for him, but he needed to see it. He needed that closure. I could dedicate an entire other blog to DH and his BFF and the impact his death has had on our lives, our marriage. He’s definitely missed.

Looking back, I remember sitting on the bed with my girlfriends talking about how we’d graduate college, get married, have our first child by 23 and be finished with #3 by the time we were 30. In hind sight, I never believed that. It sounded good and that’s what all my friends wanted, but I never really thought that’s how things would play out for me. Guess I was right. I wanted to go to college, get my master’s, find a great job that let me travel, move away, meet new people, then get married and have kids. And, that’s exactly what I did, although we’re still working on the kids part. ;)

Some of my friends did follow that plan. It amazes me that it worked out so well for them. Obviously, I’m on the outside looking in, so I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but wow, it just seems so easy for them. Graduate, get married, build the perfect home, have 2.5 perfect kids, find great jobs…how do you do this? I’d love to have that answer!

I always hear people ask, “Would you have changed anything?” The normal answer is, “No, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.” Well, I would. Had I known then what I know now, there are several things I would have done differently. Unfortunately, we can’t change our past and whether we want it to or not, it does define us, but it doesn’t have to hold us captive. Maybe that’s my point. 

I am who I am because of my life experiences. Now it’s time to make an even better me because of those. Our next chapter is beginning. The last is officially closed. On to our next great adventure...

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4 comments

  1. I've been reading your blog for the last few weeks. So sorry for what you have gone through. I wish you good luck and happiness on this next chapter of your life. Looking forward to sharing your journey to adoption.

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  2. Once again, I love your outlook. I try to adopt the same outlook with how the losses my husband and I have expereinced have made us who we are today, and I sincerely hope it has made us better people.

    Without dwelling on the past ( it does no good), we have to move forward and follow whatever path our lives were meant to take.

    It's a hard concept to tackle, but I really feel that our loss has made me see the light...we are not 100% in control of our destiny. We may do things that put us in a position to get there, but it is not all up to us.

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  3. I'm so glad you are feeling some peace today. Even if you wish you could go back and change some things.

    It was really helpful for me to read your post. I feel like what you said about finishing a chapter & turning the page describes the place I am moving towards. I'm not there yet, but your description of it gives me a glimpse of the light at the end of my tunnel.

    (BTW, I love your blog. :)

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  4. I haven't experienced the same things you have, but I also find myself wondering if I'd change things from the past if I could. It's a tough question - for the most part, I can't fault where I am now so I don't know that I'd want to change much. And yet, I still think I'd do some things differently.

    I'm glad you're feeling like you're moving forward a bit. Since we can't go backwards, we have no choice but to move ahead.

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