Last night

Thursday, September 23, 2010
Last night was bittersweet. I managed to enjoy the day, despite the fact I was just a couple doors down from my nightmare. My doctor thought it would be best to stay in the waiting room, but I couldn't do that. I didn't want to do that. It really was amazing watching BIL walk out those double doors with that little baby in his arms. At that moment I was in love. He is precious.

However, the longer I stood and watched him get weighed, measured, cleaned, the harder it was for me to stay composed. Then, I saw the look. The look in a new daddy's eyes of pure joy and happiness and I realized for the first time the full extent of my loss. Suddenly it was April again, back to when all these people were there for me and how horrible it was. I realized I'll never know that look, my family will never say those things to me that they said to him. And I knew I had to leave. I feel like I've had my heart ripped out all over again. Leaving the hospital last night felt just like the night I delivered.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm glad I was there. I can't wait until I can hold him and kiss his face. But I had to get out of that hospital. I'll be okay, I always am, but right now I'm really feeling this loss. I guess I still have a lot of grieving left to do.

My doctor's appointment went ok. Apparently, I'm good as new and all the lingering and new health issues are in my head. It seems traumatic events and the stress and anxiety that go along with them can manifest itself physically. In other words, until I'm not stressed and have no anxiety I will more than likely continue to have some issues. Nice, huh?

I'll leave you with a smile and a couple more pictures of Hudson.  :)





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13 comments

  1. Congrats on your new nephew! You are brave to be in the room, I'm impressed that you were able to go to the hospital at all! I'm sure your family really appreciates how much you love your nephew and want to be there for him. They know it's hard for you, don't feel obligated to do more than you can.

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  2. how amazingly precious!!! he's beautiful and he is SO BLESSED to have YOU for an aunt. you, who will treasure and hold and love him in a very special way!!! he is a very blessed little boy:) xoxoxoxoxox

    (ps i don't know if this thought helps in any way, but, the pain and sorrow of missing and grieving your sweet josey will always be there (though one day it will be easier to handle). even if you give birth a 100 times or adopt a 100 times. those children will bring their own joy to your heart but your sweet precious little girl will always have her special place in your heart. and i will never forget her either. as you celebrate this new life, know that someone else is remembering your little one with you and sending her hugs too. being sad and happy at the same time is a juggling act that few understand.)

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  3. I'm proud of you for going! I know it helped me a lot, but at the time it hurt so much. I started crying in the hospital room when I went to visit my friend.

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  4. I'm glad you left when you needed to. My best friend had her baby a few weeks before my due date with Olivia. Luckily, she lives across the country, so I've never even been forced to meet the baby yet. And still, it's been almost a year since Olivia died and I really don't want to hear anything about my friend's baby, even now that I'm pregnant again, it's such a huge reminder of what we should have.

    Be gentle with yourself, and don't do more than you can handle.

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  5. I have just gone back and read your previous blog and I am so incredibly sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I am not surprised you are finding this so difficult and you are a mighty strong woman to have even been at the hospital in the first place. Congratulations on the birth of your dear nephew and I really hope you will find some comfort from having him in your life.

    My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best for the future.

    ICLW#12

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  6. He's beautiful and hugs to you for being there.

    ICLW #139

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  7. You're so incredibly brave for going & good for you for recognizing your limits and getting yourself out of there when needed. Sending hugs and love your way.

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  8. You are a GREAT big sister! I saw all the pics and couldn't help but smile at YOUR genuine and and sincere joy in all the pics!

    You did something lots of us couldn't have! Hudson is so lucky to have his aunt and uncle living literally right next store...when mommy and daddy wont let him do something he can "run away" to Aunt Sissy's house where, i am sure there will be some kind of baked good!

    Also know that we all wish Josey could have been there! And we haven't forgotten her!

    You will be a mommy-YOU WILL! Don't lose hope! However it happens! There WILL be baby cheering......and cameras..and smiling...and oooooing and aaaaaaahing.....and fb postings!! New clothes and socks....and yummy smelling lotion! A happy mommy and daddy smiling from ear to ear...

    no matter HOW it happens...

    It WILL happen! and I will be there that day!!!

    There is a child out there-born or unborn...with YOUR name ALL over it!! I know it! I am praying for it-and eagerly WAIT with you!

    DON'T GIVE UP on YOUR DREAM!

    In the meantime....we need to find the nearest REVCO....HUddy Buddy needs his auntie to buy him a slushie! ;)
    HUG

    Leslie

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  9. I think its amazing that you went! And that you knew when to leave, for yourself.

    My sister was 13 weeks behind me when I lost Wyatt, and going to visit my nephew in the hospital when he was born was so bittersweet.

    Sending you good thoughts!

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  10. Wow, that must have been really difficult for you. I'm glad you knew when you needed to leave. I think that is one of the most important things following babyloss--knowing what you can handle and when to leave.

    P.S. Your nephew is adorable. :) Thanks for posting the pix.

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  11. You are an amazing woman for being apart of your sister's day. I'm so sorry it was also a sad day for you. Thank you for sharing your story.

    ICLW #95

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  12. hello from ICLW -- i cried reading your post...i am so incredibly sorry for your loss. i had a m/c, though one of my close friends lost her baby 10 days after he was born, and she tells me that m/c is nothing like losing a child. what an amazing sister and beautiful, strong woman you are. *hugs* :)

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