Four Months and Counting

Tuesday, August 03, 2010
It's been four months since we lost Josey.  It seems like an eternity, but at the same time like it just happened.  Everything is so different now, yet the same. I thought I'd take some time and just look back over the last four months...where we've been and where we are.

1. I am a Mom.  Some may not see me as one, but I carried my daughter for just over 6 months. I spent two days in miserable labor and delivered my girl. We held her. Took pictures. She's real. I am a mom.

2. I am a mutant. Not the X-Men kind. No super powers here. Just a MTHFR mutant. After lots and lots of blood work and testing, my doctors discovered I am compound heterozygous for the MTHFR gene. What does that mean? Well, in the simplest terms I possibly have a blood clotting disorder and my body doesn't absorb/metabolize folic acid and B vitamins. It also makes me more susceptible to cardiovascular disease and stroke, as well as numerous pregnancy implications. You can find a basic overview of MTHFR by clicking HERE.

3. I have chronic migraines. This is not new. What is new is that they are practically gone. I have only had a couple since I was pregnant.  Interestingly enough, there is a study linking migraines to MTHFR. Since being diagnosed, I have started a new vitamin regiment. Multi-vitamin, folic acid, B6, B12, and a few others. The last time I felt a migraine coming on, I took the folic acid and B vitamins instead of my sumatriptan or pain killers.  What do you know? It worked! Not sure if it's a fluke or not, but so far I'm doing pretty good.

4. DH and I have decided not to get pregnant least for awhile.  He would say never. I just can't say never. Although when I start to think about getting pregnant, I easily could have an anxiety attack. I've come to the realization that this world sometimes has plans for us we just don't understand.  And, it's up to us as individuals to take what we're dealt and run with it. It amazes me how some people close to us just don't understand why we don't want to go down that road again, yet others see it just as clearly as we do.

5. Because we aren't planning on getting pregnant, we have decided to adopt. This is something we have always talked about, so it's not something new. I have been researching like a mad woman.  DH and I are really excited about this journey. I know it's not for everyone, but we feel it's right for us. Hopefully we can officially get started either towards the end of this year or the beginning of next year.

6. I feel like the curtain has been pushed back and the real world has finally been exposed to me.  This includes relationships, faith, God, career, friends, family, you name it.  Some of these realizations have been good, while others, well the jury is still out.

7. I'm two months away from being an aunt. I can't wait. I've been preparing myself for this, for the hospital, for labor and delivery.  I pray my sister doesn't get the same room I was in because I'm not sure I could deal with that. I imagine myself walking back into L&D. Hoping and praying I can keep it together.  Part of me feels so unbelievably guilty for feeling this way, especially when I want to be there for every moment. The good thing is I feel myself get a little stronger every day. At one point, I couldn't even think about it without crying. Now, I'm able to actually visualize myself there.

I was hoping to come up with ten, but these are the biggies. So, seven will do. I think I've come a long way in four months. The grief is still there, but I'm able to carry it a little better. I really do believe acceptance has made all the difference.  Accepting that I couldn't have done anything different during my pregnancy, accepting it was not my fault, accepting the very high risk of another pregnancy and accepting that we're ready to move on to adoption has given us or me at least some clarity in a not so clear world.


  1. You have come a long way in 4 months! Even though I don't know you personally, it sounds like you are doing really well on such a difficult journey. The fact that you can even make a list like this says a lot. I can't wait to hear more about your adoption plans as things move forward! Praying for you,

  2. I agree with Becky. You and your husband have come a long way in the past 4 months. I have followed you along the way, and I can see a big change. Think adoption is a wonderful thing too. We don't know what God's plan is for us in our lifetime, but we have to deal with it, and go on. You have done an amazing job. You will be a wonderful Aunt too.!!!!!