Heartbroken

Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I don't even know where to begin.  My heart aches for my family in Florida.  They've been through so much over the past year.  It's just NOT fair.  It's not RIGHT.  My faith is really being tested at the moment.  I remember how easy it used to be to say to those hurting, just lean on God.  He'll take care of you.  He'll give you peace.  I used to have that peace.  I believed it with all my heart.  Unfortunately, that peace is gone and I'm questioning why these things are happening. 

A couple of weeks after I lost Josey someone I had only recently met made the comment (and I'm paraphrasing), "God is so good. My baby was born 12 weeks early and now he's a healthy, growing boy."  You can imagine what was going through my mind at that moment.  Granted, this person had no idea what had just happened, but it just goes back to this test of faith. 

I've been reading a book called "Holding on to Hope."  It's about a woman who lost two of her children as infants to some kind of syndrome/disease (I can't remember).  Anyway, she talks about holding on to hope and God and comparing her trials with Job.  There's even a bible study on Job in the back of the book.  There are times it seemed the book helped me piece things together, but then the more I read, the angrier I got.  Well, maybe not angry, maybe just frustrated.  Do not ever tell someone that has lost a child, "Oh, it must have been meant to be," or "It was God's will," or "God has a plan," or even "God had to have allowed this."  When you sit in these shoes and everything you have ever believed is being tested, you don't want to hear it.

I continue to pray that I'll find that peace again.  That somewhere in all this loss there's a silver lining, but right now I just can't see it.  To be honest, I'm a little jaded.  I tell God this every night.  I tell him how I feel without hesitation.  Job did, so why can't I? 

Please continue to keep Ashley and her family in your thoughts and prayers. I know they must be questioning all of this as well. 

6 comments

  1. I have no idea how you feel and how you survive after losing Josey. But your feeling of frustration and lack of acceptance describes me today also. I am angry and more than once I have asked Why today. Our family has simply been through ENOUGH this year. I just can't believe anything you have been through or anything Ashley and her family is going through is God's plan or meant to be. I am just mad today and lack any acceptance whatsover!!!

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  2. This is why myself & religion have taken a break. I refuse to believe that ANY god would allow such things to happen to innocent people. I've never been to religious anyway, and things that have happened to me have completely pushed it away. I admire people who have blind faith, but I don't. It must be great to be those type of people who justify everything by god, but in reality it's the things/people here on earth that set the sail for tomorrow. I'm heartbroken for you and Ashley's family. It is not fair, and you both genuinely seem like GREAT & caring people who deserve only the good things in life. If you believe in god then I believe you need god in your life and you need to work through your struggles with it and you will still have hope in the end. Hugs.

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  3. I would say I'm on a break with religion too.

    Those comments, "God is so great!" always feel like such a slap in the face.

    Why does it always seem like the sadness and bad stuff gets heaped on the same people over and over, while other people get off scottfree with perfect lives? I don't wish this sadness on anyone, but I hate how it seems to always hit the same people over and over again.

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  4. I think that you are right. This all is unfair.

    Although I haven't lost a child or a sibling, I can relate-you remember back when they were thinking I had cancer in my lungs when I was 20-they seemed to never know exactly what was wrong? Biopsy and Biopsy catscan after catscan.....

    I can remember that feeling of being scared to death and feeling like it was unfair and that I hadn't deserved it...People felt far away to me, they didnt know what to say...so they just didnt.

    I remember being so angry at God. I think that it's perfectly ok to be mad at God. God knows we don't know why things happen. We can't be accountable for knowing why things turn out the way they do.

    I too HATE when people put the "God has a plan" stamp on literally every bad situation that happens to someone. It really doesn't make anyone feel better-it makes them actually feel worse.

    The hope I do hold onto is that, the same God who I am mad at and angry with-made a place for me with him, so that, someday, we can be together with those loved ones again. If we have hope of Heaven we must CLING to that hope in God.

    That was not a sermon-it was just what I have to tell myself in times like these....ya know what I mean?


    I love you! You are like a sister to me and YOU KNOW IT! :)

    Leslie

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  5. I am so sorry to hear about this news. My heart just breaks for you guys. It is not fair!!
    I don't understand WHY people say "it's God's plan" but I know that people who say that have never lost a child. They are still naive about this world.

    4 months after my daughter passed my sister in-law (more like a mom) passed away suddenly. I am still in shock, to say that my faith hasn't been tested is an under statement. One day I believe, the next day I mad. I wish it wasn't so. Not a day goes by that I do not question why this happened to me and my family.
    I can't say I know what you are going through since all our journey's are different but I do know that somewhere in us all is strength. Praying for you guys ((HUGS))

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  6. I sent you an email and i left her a comment and i created a post specifically for them today...I am so so sorry that your family has to endure more tragedy...my heart aches for all of you, and I can understand you questioning your faith...know that when I pray for all of you ...i pray for peace...and I pray to MY daughter to help you...I have had some of my own faith questioned, but i have to believe that some how some where some one is helping us....other wise we would have all never met...I watched as you were in the hospital each day and when you lost josey I cried for days, and I was angry myself...and I can not imagine more pain, and her mom now is an angel mommy too...and its not fair none of it is and I am so so sorry =**(

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