Where we are

Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sometimes I think we're doing much better than we should be at 3 months out.  Don't get me wrong, there are still bad days and we are still processing and learning to readjust our lives.  It's hard, but we make a real effort to do it.  I'm afraid I'll wake up one day and not be able to get out of bed. Am I just in denial? I don't think I am, but I don't know. The one thing that's really surprised me is this feeling of defeat. It's not the depression anymore or the anger, but rather this overwhelming feeling that I just failed.  I know I had no control over what happened, but that's how I feel. It is this sense of having let down my husband, my parents and his parents, my sisters.  To make matters worse, preeclampsia and hellp not only robbed me of my child, but of being able to enjoy my sister's pregnancy.  Luckily, it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be, but what makes me so mad is that I am not able to jump in and plan her shower or talk baby stuff and I should be doing just that.  It's robbed me of that for the rest of my life. One thing I do know is that I have already decided I will be the favorite aunt. So the rest of y'all can just go ahead and plan on it. ;)

As far as adopting, everyone so far seems really supportive.  In fact, I think most of the family wants us to go ahead and get started. We're sticking to our plan, though. Right now there are about five books sitting at the house waiting for us to read on the subject.  If anyone has any recommendations, let us know.  Our hope is to learn as much as we can before we go forward.

On a completely unrelated note, we're looking forward to the upcoming long weekend.  There's fireworks at the lake, movies to see, and a little boating and sunning to do. Fun times!


  1. (((((hugs))))) grief is such a personal journey. no timetables, no way to "do it right".

    i'm so sorry that this has robbed you- i get that. it makes total sense to me too.

    my prayers are with you, your sister's little one on the way, your heart as you cope and then reach out to adopt a precious child. maybe i'm out of place here (i'm sorry if i am) but i think that God plants adopted children in the hearts of their mommies and daddies every bit as tenderly as He does the ones that grow in our tummies. i'm praying for that miracle rainbow for you even now as you just start out on this path. your words just ooze with love, josey has a very special mommy.

    have a blessed weekend.

  2. For us, especially me, there were times when I thought "wow, I'm doing okay", and then times when I really was not doing okay. The longer it's been, the more okay days and the fewer not okay days, but they still happen.

    I understand about your sister's baby. I was due in January and my best friend had her baby in January. For me, it was easier when she was still pregnant, I could relate to pregnancy, even as messed up as it was. I still haven't and don't really want to meet her baby, that part is just hard. (She also lives across the country which makes it a lot easier to avoid.)

  3. Decided to stop by and say hello, as you are following my blog and I like to return favors.

    I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now. And while, our stories are different and I am so very sorry to hear about your loss of your baby, I can relate to so much of what you have to say. My husband and I are also pursuing adoption as the next step, but need a break in between. I'd be happy to talk any time about that part of the process.

    Thinking of you and wishing you a nice holiday weekend-

  4. Grief is so complex...sometimes I really wish it weren't. There are times I wish it was in "x" amount of days, you will feel better.

    I can relate to the feelings you are having with your sister's pregnancy. I went through my 1st 2 m/c's and had been ttc for over 2 years when my baby sister got pregnant (unplanned) with my niece. I was devastated, and it was so difficult for me to go through.

  5. Yes grief is different for all of us but you will always have Josie in your heart even if life is getting better. Glad you are looking into the adoption plan I think that is the greatest love you can give to a child that so in need of loving parents. Hope you have a great weekend.

  6. I can identify with the feelings you're having with your sister's pregnancy. We lost our twin boys six months ago to pre-eclampsia and Hellp, and it was tough because a close friend was also expecting twins on about the same timeline. I feel like I completely missed celebrating that with him as a father and a friend. I'm still learning how to enter back in to that friendship now that they have their twin girls. I'm sure that time will make things easier.