Warning...long post ahead

Monday, May 24, 2010
I have read and been told that there are several different stages of grief. Some days I experience more than one of those stages. It’s exhausting. However, I am finding myself officially stuck in the ANGER stage. Just a warning, this is going to be a long post. Also, for those of you that know me personally, please don’t judge me for what I’m going to say. I would never ask anyone to put themselves in my shoes, but I do ask that you respect my feelings. So, here I go…

I’m angry at the obvious. It happened. Period. Completely understandable, right? Let’s move on…

I’m angry because I can’t even sit down at night and watch television. Every show on tv has a pregnant woman or a newborn baby in it. I swear. I couldn’t even watch SNAPPED the other day. It was full of miscarriages and new babies. Even worse, I can’t watch House. I lived the show for a month. I have an $11K lab bill to prove it. For that matter, I’m still living it. I have lab results pending as I sit here typing. Ugggg.

I’m angry at myself for not wanting to immediately jump on the bandwagon to have our rainbow baby*. Family and friends don’t understand why we wouldn’t go ahead and try again. Why? Well, we’re terrified of pregnancy. I sat in the hospital while my organs began to fail and toxins started to eat away at my muscle. Yes, graphic, but true. I knew two weeks in we weren’t bringing our daughter home. I knew I would have to give birth to a daughter we’d never know. It’s the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced. How can we just say yes to the possibility of the same outcome? I’m not saying it won’t happen, but right now we need time and space to heal before the thought is even considered.

But MOSTLY I’m angry at certain individuals for things that were done and/or not done, said and/or not said. Let me be clear. I am aware that some of my anger towards these individuals may be misplaced anger. I’m smart enough to know this. I’m also smart enough to know that I can’t blame these individuals for what happened; however, that doesn’t mean that sometimes I don’t feel that way. And in some of these situations I feel I have every right to be angry because of what was done/not done, said/not said. I also know to keep my mouth shut right now. If I voiced concern over some of these issues I’m having, it would only end badly. So, unless it’s deemed necessary, I’ll just keep being mad to myself. Regardless, it doesn’t change the outcome and that, too, makes me angry.

So where do I go from here? How in the world do I deal with this? Is it truly a grieving stage or am I in a little deeper than I should be? I don’t know. Hopefully, I won’t be stuck here long. I’m not sure if I am ready to forgive anyone for some of the things that were done/said…maybe someday. For now though, the anger’s real and it’s there and I can’t get rid of it.

I questioned whether or not to write this post, but I really, really need to deal with this. Although I can’t be specific because so many people I know read this, it still helps even if I have to talk in generalizations. Shannon tells me I’m doing “good” and he’s proud of me for being strong. I’m not so sure it’s strength, but rather survival. Then again, maybe that’s what strength is. The reason I even mention this, is that I’m not angry all the time, but it just seems this is where I am. I’m stuck in the anger stage and I don’t like it. It’s not me. It’s not who I am or who I want to be. **SIGH**

I’m so ready for vacation...lol

4 comments

  1. Just wanna say I hear ya on all of that! And I think you are coping really well so far (based on my tiny knowledge of you on this blog, LOL). Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, for as long as you need to feel it.

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  2. Ohhh where are we going on vacation? I saw we, because I shall live vicariously through your vacation. I think (and honestly I know nothing) that where you are at, emotional wise is completely normal. I'd fairly certain I'd hate everyone, everything and want to rip babies out of 16 year old's hands. That being said, if you feel "stuck" maybe a grief counselor could really help you. I have no clue how they work, but also your insurance company may provide something similar, or your employer. My job, CVS keeps trying to get me to talk to someone like that because of Peyton's cerebral palsy and I keep declining, so I'm not sure if other companies have that. Either way, I'm kind of angry person in general, so i'm sure I'd be a full blown bitch in regards to such a traumatic incident, where you lost something so great. Just remember your little girl and how she would want you to act towards others (yeah that's lame but I thought it might help).

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  3. I keep telling myself that anger is a a normal stage of grief, and sometimes it hits me in the middle of a "good" day. Something as simple as seeing a mother load their child into the car from a shopping cart. I tell myself not to be angry with them for having what I want (healthy living baby) but I think what I am actually angry at is the fact that I will never be blissfully ignorant and expect that everything will work out without a hitch. I think that anger and fear are sometimes hand in hand, so perhaps with your experience you are feeling them both at the same time and they compoud to overwhelming levels at times?

    I feel for you. I do. I don't have answers, and if I did, I'd surely share them with every BLM I know. These shoes we wear are uncomforatble and ugly, but we have to make the best of it.

    Much love to you.

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  4. I think you have a right to be angry I am still angry about losing my Mom and cant stand to listen to people talk about there mom it upsets me. And should you not wait for awhile physical wise for you as well. And I hope one day you do get your Rainbow baby but it has to be right for both of you and dont listen to all those that tell you to try again that is your decision on your time line nobody elses. Strenght to both of you.

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