One more day

Thursday, April 08, 2010
I was told this morning, pending nothing crazy, I could go home tomorrow. Dr. O'Brien actually told me I could go home tonight if Dr. Youkilis was okay with it, but I think he'll make me stay until tomorrow. Still, it's a start. I was allowed up today to take a shower. It felt like heaven. Thankfully there was a nice big seat in the shower. Otherwise, I wouldn't have made it. Physically, I'm starting to feel a little better every day. Unfortunately, none of my clothes fit. I'm still so swollen that even my t-shirts and big baggy sweatpants are too tight. It takes everything in me just to get up and walk two or three steps. They really wanted to see how I did with it today. Obviously, they don't expect me to just bounce back and go back to normal, but I guess that's what I keep expecting because it's driving me crazy. BUT, at least I can sit up and get up by myself now, even if it takes me ten minutes. If any of you that have been through this have any suggestions on getting through this part, please let me know.


  1. No suggestions, but I woke up thinking about you this morning and had to check on you. I'm sure the past few weeks have been a blur, and it will take a while for everything to sink in, but please know that so many of us out here think and pray for you every day.

    Today I am praying for your physical recovery so you can go home (=.

  2. I just can't sleep at night and all my waking moments are thinking about you and Shannon and Josey! I love you all so much and wish you weren't having to deal with this! I wish I could just do something to make it better!

  3. I was the exact same way. They let me get up and take a shower, I had not showered in 4 days, your right felt like heaven! This is the toughest part...not gonna lie. I just more than anything wanted to go home. When I got there I did not know what to do with myself.

    My suggestion to you would be stay in the hospital as long as they want you too...I know you want to go home, but make sure your BP is under control. Mine was still high when they sent me home on meds, only to be readmitted 3 days later with still severe PE.

    As for the swelling, I can TOTALLY relate, SOCKS did not even fit me. I had no neck and none of my clothes fit. The first 2 days after delivery are the worst. You will soon start to "pee" all the water weight out. No worries you will! The first week is the hardest with that issue.

    Please know if you EVER need anything. I went through the exact same thing that you did...and lost my daughter. This was just in November so its fresh in my mind. My email is L412angel if you EVER want to just vent.

    One of the major things that got me through was just having people over. It kept me busy and kept my mind off things. I did that for the irst 2 weeks. Always had someone around.

    Im always thinking of you and Josey

  4. I am so sorry for your loss, and am thinking of and praying for you as you go through this incredibly difficult time.

    I remember when I took my first shower after my boys, it made me feel like a new person. Same as you, I had to sit down the whole time, and even had my husband in there to help me. It was very tough, and very humbling.

    Hang in there, and DON'T push yourself at all. You have been through hell, AND you are recovering from HELLPS, which was much harder for me than I anticipated. When I got home from the hospital, I went straight to bed. We moved the TV into our bedroom, and I pretty much put myself on modified bedrest for a week or so. I don't say this to discourage you, but to let you know that it is OK to take it super-easy. I was surprised how hard the physical recovery was, and my grief only added to it. Take care of yourself.

    I am so sorry you are going through a similar experience to mine, but I am more than willing to give you any advice you need. Please feel free to email me at beki2082 (at) gmail (dot) com. I found you through your cousin's blog, so I know she will be there to help you, too. This is a very lonely journey, but you are not alone. I know it sounds cliche, but focus on getting through one day at a time.


  5. Take things slowly and be gentle on yourself.


  6. Kerry when I went home I literally kissed my matress. A shower had never felt so good after not having one for 9 days straight. Then I sat on the bed and thought to myself what next. The swelling wasn't going down as fast as I had hoped it would and I was tired of lying in bed with my feet elevated. I was still trying to process what I had just been through at the Hospital. The house was quiet with just me there during the day and I wanted to go and do things. Just to be doing something other than sitting around. It will get a little easier day by day. The water will come off. You will be tired of running back and forth to the bathroom every 5 minutes when it does. Your body has been through a traumatic experience be patient with it. You are an amazing woman Kerry with a beautiful heart :)

  7. Thinking of you, take it easy. ((hugs))

  8. I am so sorry, After my Laken died I took the day minute by minute I tried to keep myself busy so i wouldn't feel to depressed but there were times I just stayed in bed all day. Its ok if you feel like that or even if you don't everyone grieves differently. Just know that you are an amazing mother and that she chose you to carry her, and for you and your family to love her. People may tell you that "its ok that you are young and can have more" without knowing what you went through it will make you mad but try to let it get to you. Ask your doctors to test for any underling conditions. When anybody offers to help you with anything you need take the help even if its for someone to get you a gallon of milk from the store. Did you happen to get the NILMDTS lady to come take pictures? treasure every picture you have of her I have my Laken's Picture everywhere in my house. The emotional pain will never go away or get any easier you just learn how to live in your "new Normal". And be sure to take care of yourself and take it easy. I'm still praying for you and your family in this difficult time.

  9. The old adage of day by day works for your physical symptoms too.

    I lost something like 35lb in the first couple of days following delivery - all fluid. I had a c-section, and this is really gross, but fluid just poured out of the wound - my body was so keen to remove it. You'll find over the next few days you'll be visiting the bathroom a lot as your body starts to realise that it's ok to let go of all that edema.

    As for feeling shattered by taking a few steps. Oooh yeah. Having a shower is physically draining. The stool is a good idea. Can you step up something like that at home if you need to? Or have DH help as a kind of safety net?

    Besides that, I'd just take it super easy. From memory it took about 8 weeks until I could walk my suburban block, maybe 4 until I could walk to the nearest lamp post and back? I was itching to get fit again after feeling so yuck.

    Oh and take advantage of any help offered from well meaning people but when you've had enough of people and want your own space, don't be afraid of offending them. I was so worried about making sure everyone else was handling B'd death okay that I didn't think about myself. A pretty standard female reaction me thinks.

    Thinking of you lots and really hoping that you're "ok" in what might feel like a bad dream. And like Belle says, are the docs running every test under the sun while they have this window of opportunity for all the trusty PE associated conditions like Lupus? They sound like an amazing team, so I'm sure they are.

    Day by Day >:D<

  10. Once you're home, let people who offer to help, help. My neighbours used to get milk etc for me from the shop. It was a long time before I felt comfortable going there.

    Ask them to bring over meals you can freeze. Let them clean your bathroom.

    I watched TV series (Friends, Sex and the City, Gilmore Girls) on DVD. I'm a reader normally but it was months before I could concentrate enough to read a book and the DVDs helped pass the time. Time doesn't fix what's happened but it does take some of the rawness away and one day it will become a little easier to breathe again.

    Thinking of you and I hope the physical recovery doesn't take too long.

    Maddie x

  11. You poor girl... I'm praying for you!! Do you have pictures of sweet Josey? You will treasure every single memory and picture... forever. She is in heaven now with Nolan and the rest of your family who have gone before... you WILL see her again!!
    Big hugs...

  12. just wanted you to know that i'm sending you hugs..... ((((hugs))))